Where The Wild Things Are

2004-01-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

You're Mark Cohen, an amateur filmmaker looking for
inspiration. You observe from afar, sometimes
detatched from what's going on around you.

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2003-12-10T02:13:00.000-05:00

It's a quarter to two in the morning, I'm sitting up wide awake having just finished my Tulane scholarship application and my Vassar essay, and I feel like shit, physically and emotionally. I've got an awful cold, and I've been thinking way too much as usual. I read something on www.intellectualwhores.com, a link Milli sent me called The Ladder Theory. and the whole thing pretty much rings true to my life. Granted I'm not bitter about just being friends with girls like the guy who writes this thing is, and while there may be some underlying sexual attraction behind every friendship I'm not out to get laid all the time, but it seems to me that he's right about the way women think. I come on as much to friendly. There's a list on part of this website that has five things that are surefire ways to know that she's not interested in you in a romantic way. I've heard all five of them at least once. The most common ones I get are "You're like a brother to me," and "I feel like I can talk to you about anything."

It's like girls never look at me the way they look at other guys. I don't know if its because everyone refers to me as Baskin and thats a lot less personal than a first name, because I'm just not stellar looking or because I'm literally just too nice sometimes, but whatever it is I really hate it. It's not like because I'm a nice, understanding guy who tries to talk you out of slitting your wrists that I don't want to be loved in the same way that some badass punk or some concieted jetta-driving shitbrick wants to be. I know girls "Can't help the way they feel," but could they at least tell me whats making them feel that way? I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing that you people just don't think of me that way. WHY THE HELL NOT? IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST EXPLAIN WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT.

Every year of high school I've hung out with a different crowd of people. I don't even fucking talk to Lizzie anymore, and we used to spend a couple of hours on the phone every night. Hayley took me to the Candy Cane last year and she doesn't even make eye contact with me in the hallways.

1. Alison: I just want to be friends
2. Lizzie: You're like family
3. Simona: I don't want to make things wierd
4. Margaret: I don't want to ruin the friendship
5. Alea: You're like a brother
6. Emily: I don't think of you that way
7. Masha: Nyet
8. Melissa: I can talk to you about anything
9. Jessica: I can count on you for anything
10. Amanda: I don't see you like that
(Your Name Here): (Variation on the Theme)

And these are the ones that come to mind right off the bat.

What can I do to be a piece of ass instead of a piece of advice from time to time?

2003-12-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

Brighton Beach Memoirs is coming up this weekend, performances are Saturday and Sunday at 3:00 PM at the middle school auditorium. It'll defenitely be worth coming to. We're gonna be awesome.

2003-10-17T00:20:00.000-04:00

Melissa made a copy of a CD for me, and made it all personalized and awesome. The cover has the phrase "I like cheese" in three different languages. Hehe crazy, very crazy.

So I managed to get myself nominated for homecoming king, but much to everyone's surprise I wasn't the only 'dork' on the list. Adam and Mike Tycon (my class's saluditorian and valedictorian, respectively) were both nominated alongside me. That means I'm not gonna win, which isn't necessarily a bad thing because I don't really want to, but it also means that Adam isn't gonna win, which is a bad thing because I want him to. Oh well, either way we both get to ride in the homecoming parade at the football game, woot woot.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gonads and strife)

2003-10-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

I was going through some of my old files on my computer, and I found a story that I wrote some time last winter. I may or may not have posted it on here then, but I read it, and it just got me thinking about shit. I'm gonna post it again because I happen to think its a pretty good peice of writing even if its about stuff I don't like to think about. Just for your information I took my poetic license, not all of this is true to fact. Though a lot of it happens to be.

The doorbell rings, and she looks at the clock above the TV. It’s almost nine o’clock. Why in the world did he insist that he come over and watch this movie with her now? But in a way, she’s glad he did.
“You’re so stupid!” she insists as she lets him in, but her smile gives away that she’s very happy to see him. “You’re not going to like the movie at all, and I’m going to fall asleep and you’ll be sitting in my house watching a movie you don’t even like-“ He puts a finger to her lips.
“Shhh. I’ll like the movie just fine, and if you’re that tired, you go right ahead and sleep.”
“That’s silly, I can’t sleep when you’re in my house.” It takes them a couple of minutes of fiddling with her DVD player, but finally they get it to work. The title screen reads in big red letters, “PRETTY WOMAN.”
“Do you even know what this is about?” she asks.
“Not the slightest idea, that’s why I’m watching it.” The night before she had told him two of her favorite scenes in the movie, but they really hadn’t given much away as far as the plot line was concerned. He was confident that if this were in fact her favorite movie, he would enjoy it thoroughly.
He starts the movie and takes her hand in his. She looks at their hands, together, then says “Do you know what my dad said to me before you got here?” She giggles a little bit. “He asked how often he would need to check on us to make sure we weren’t making out.” They both laugh, but on the inside the irony of this hurts him.
“I think he can rest assured that nothing bad will happen. I know I’ll be too busy watching the movie.” As he says this they hear the heavy sound of footsteps on the stairs and she pulls her hand away quickly and slides a few inches down the couch. “You know,” he whispers, “that this looks even more suspicious that if we were holding hands?”
Her father comes into the room. “Hey there,” he says, looking at the opening credits on the screen and then back at the two of them. “You guys need anything?”
“No dad,” she says, exasperated.
“Thank you,” he chimes in.
Her father heads back up the stairs, and her hand finds his again quickly. She slides easily back into the groove in the couch she had left behind, still warm from when she had been there. Not as warm as his body next to hers.
“Your hands are always so warm,” she remarks, running her other hand over the back of his. His attention is rapt on the screen.
“You didn’t tell me this movie was about a prostitute!” he says, astonished. She laughs and covers his eyes as a scene involving two members of the opposite sex in various states of undress commences. There is a purring sound on her other side and they both look to see the cat sitting there, feeling rather left out. He lets go of her hand and reaches around behind her to pet it. When he is done he tugs her in closer to him and wraps his arm around her waist, taking both of her hands in his.
“Don’t touch my fat,” she admonishes, pulling his hands farther away from her stomach. It never ceases to amaze him that she can possibly think she is fat.
“What, this fat?” he says, pinching her side. “This isn’t fat.” She puts her hand on top of his to flatten it out against her stomach and locks her fingers in with his.
“Yes, that fat,” she says, sliding into a more comfortable position against his side. She was very tired, but happy all the same that he had insisted on coming. She can hear his stomach rumbling from time to time. “Did you eat?”
“No, I missed dinner tonight, but I’m all right.”
“Are you sure? You can have something to eat if you want.”
“I don’t want to impose myself.” They sit happily and watch the movie, and he breathes in her smell ecstatically. He had always loved the smell and the feel of her hair. After a while he says, “You know, maybe I will take something to eat.” She laughs, and they get up to pause the movie.
The kitchen has a cold, tiled floor, which quickly gets to her bare feet. “You aren’t wearing any socks!” he says in surprise, and lifts her up off the floor.
“Put me down,” she says laughing, “I’ll be fine for a few minutes.” They scrounge about the kitchen and discover that there really isn’t very much to eat, and he decides that he will be fine waiting until he gets home to sate his hunger. When they get back into the living room, he lies down on the couch. “Now where do I sit?” she asks.
“You don’t,” he says, smiling mischievously. “You lie down, because you’re tired.” The end of the movie finds her sleeping in his warm embrace, using his arm as a pillow. He’s so nearly asleep himself in the hazy happiness that he doesn’t really notice until far too late that her father has come back down the stairs. He puts his finger to his lips to motion for silence, and her father nods, smiling, and goes back upstairs. Eventually she does wake up, and they sit up, still holding hands.
“I’m sorry I fell asleep,” she says, smiling sheepishly, leaning against his shoulder. He lifts her face up by her chin. There is a short silence.
“If I kiss you, will you hold it against me?” he asks. She looks down.
“I have a boyfriend.” He is crestfallen, but does not let her see that. He simply kisses her lightly on the forehead before he gets up and leaves. Outside, the light rain cleverly disguises the tears on his face, but he feels them there because of their warmth.

2003-10-06T00:58:00.000-04:00

I feel so heavy tonight, and I don't know why. Not like I'm overweight, I've just got this awful knot in my chest thats like bottled up everything that I hate about my life and I feel like its wrapped around my lungs and squeezing all the air back out of them.

This weekend has really just been awful. Prozac is supposed to make me super duper not depressed any more, but I'm just getting worse and worse. I feel like I did last December again. I feel like the best thing for me would be one through the roof of the mouth. And I really hate feeling that way.

And my cell phone is broken. Not that anyone was really calling me any more anyway.

2003-10-04T22:07:00.000-04:00

You are Bubs. You are the disco dancing king.
People like you because you sell them food.
Actually you eat most of the food yourself,
that's probably why you're fat. It doesn't
matter though, cuz your voice is awesome!

What HomeStarRunner Character are you?
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2003-09-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

On Monday I'm gonna be suspended from school for a long time.

So this weekend I'm living it up to the best of my ability. It's sort of like the movie 25th hour, only I'm not going away into jail for the rest of my life, I'm just gonna be in a lot of shit for a long time and not allowed to have any fun. Right now I'm at Greg's house, and I'm kinda drunk. There's a bunch of people here, I'm having a good time, its fun. For the rest of the weekend I'm just gonna get as fucked up as I can as much as I can. Talk to me people! I'm lonely.

2003-08-20T10:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything here, but I'm gonna start with the recent stuff. I just went to Canada for ten days with the boy scouts, and wow it was awesome. So much fun. The first day was just riding in trains, but it was cool because I was with a bunch of friends and we made a hobby of pissing off the jerks who kicked us out of the dining car. Then our day in Montreal, which included something called Jet Boating, where we went out into the St. Laurence river and got doused in the rapids for a good solid two hours, it was really cool. The seventeen hour train ride was pretty intense, because it was seventeen hours and thats a long ass time to be cooped up. We played a lot of Diplomacy, which officially registers as the devil's game because its so cutthroat. We got to Gaspe, set up camp and met all our camping neighbors, most of whom annoyed us by asking us to be quiet at nine o'clock because they were trying to sleep. There was one neighbor who we all enjoyed very much though, Andreanne, a lovely French-Canadian girl who spoke halting English and was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. I think she may have fallen in love with Ed. Score. The next day I went kayaking, and kayaking alone in an ocean hurts sooo much you have no idea. I did it for about six hours.

OK, my fingers are tired, so I'll finish the story of our trip later.

Song of the Day: Take Me Home Country Road - John Denver

2003-07-06T02:37:00.000-04:00

So my summer insomnia has officially kicked into high gear. School must really be out. I've become nocturnal.
My voice is pretty much back now, but I've got this hacking cough that won't go away. Maybe I have SARS.
I got a flat tire today (goddamnit) and now I don't have a car until Monday when I can get it replaced.

Song of the Day: Cruel to Kind - Letters to Cleo

2003-07-05T00:24:00.000-04:00

"LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Soul singer Barry White (news), whose rich bass crooning stirred romance in the hearts of a generation of fans, died on Friday at the age of 58, his manager Ned Shankman said."

Nooooooooo!

Song of the Day: Let the Music Play - Barry White

2003-07-04T03:14:00.000-04:00

OK, I've come to a conclusion. I really like Masha a lot
Here's the kicker.
She doesn't like me.

Seem familiar? Thats because it is. It happens every time.

Anyway, Tuesday night was the big party at Ashley's house. Greg and I went to great lengths to figure out how to get ya-ya out of the house so the party could go on. And go on it did. I was the designated driver, but I defenitely made up for the fact that I couldn't drink by getting Greg really really fucked up. He doesn't like the term, but we popped his drinking cherry.

In more recent news, I got a cold, in the summer, when colds are absolutely not supposed to happen, and LOST MY VOICE. I can't speak. At this very moment that I type this, if I were to try to say it out loud, it would be an indecipherable rasp. I also got my braces off, and now I have a retainer, so even if I could talk you wouldn't be able to understand it.

Song of the Day: She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals

2003-06-30T02:56:00.000-04:00

Alaska. Where to begin.

First things first, Alaska is absolutely the most beautiful place anywhere. Snow capped mountains literally come right down into the ocean, and everything is carpetted with fir trees that are always an amazing shade of green. And the glaciers, don't even get me started. We went to Tracy Arm, an inlet where twenty-two (count them, twenty-two) different glaciers all dump their contents. If you've never been near a glacier, they absolutely make you feel completely insignificant. They are these huge sheets of ice that blanket the land and literally carve it up. And when you look at them, they are the bluest blue ever. I wish I had eyes that color, I'd never have problems getting a girl then. In Skagway I bought some shot glasses and a keychain, both of which I now want to make collections of. I already have some other keychains, and they now adorn my car key.

I met a whole lot of really cool people on the cruise, not the least of whom was my waiter, Christian. He was from Romania, and he called me "Junior." But he brought me a whole lot of food. And when I say a whole lot, I really mean it. Four entrees a night. I gained like ten pounds. But cruises do that to you. I've decided because of the cruise that drinking can be a lot of fun if done with the right kind of people. My cousins and all the people I met on the boat were defenitely the right kind of people. The drinking crowd in Glen Ridge is not. There are some people from Glen Ridge who it would be fun to drink with, and none of them are in the drinking crowd. In fact, I've narrowed down the list of people that I would drink with in Glen Ridge to about three people, though I'm more than likely forgetting someone. Those people are Greg Robbins, Ed Cadmus and Mike Tycon. I would add a fourth, and thats Dolph. He's glutin intolerant and I don't know what an alcoholic drink would do to him, but it couldn't be good, so he doesn't make the cut. I wouldn't mind him being there to be the designated driver though, that'd be cool. There are people from out of town that I would drink with too, like Ashley. In fact, thats our plan (mine and Greg's anyway, since we decided last night that since we're seniors we'd better start drinking.), we're gonna find a lot of cool people to drink with, and proceed to drink with them.

Tonight I went with Greg to Ashley's house, and met her friend Stacey (real name Anastasia), and we hung out with them in her pool. She has a really nice pool, and a really nice hot tub, and a really nice house in general. Then afterwords, Stacey left and the three of us headed to Greg's house and his trampoline. We created an elaborate fantasy of a scary red-eyed man laying under the trampoline and watching us, after talking all about how good meat is for about an hour, and when I left I left them with the uneasy feeling that there were still three people there: Greg, Ashley and the man under the 'leen.

Work starts tomorrow!!!!!!!

Song of the Day: Two Tickets to Paradise - Eddie Money

2003-06-20T00:53:00.000-04:00

I am a senior.

What the fuck. When the hell did I get so old? I defenitely missed something here. I was defenitely turning like, ten years old not very long ago. And now my next birthday is my eighteenth. Spiffy.

Song of the day: Beautiful Oblivion - Eve 6

2003-06-19T00:47:00.000-04:00

Ah, terrorizing girls I don't know. What a great way to spend the night. It also affords me the opportunity to actually now have conversations with Claire Hughes. Isn't that wierd? I sure think so. Right, so now that I'm done terrorizing her and Maryanna Coleman (who's first name actually includes the word ARYAN), I've been talking to Claire for like an hour. Fucking wierd.

Song of the day: Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

2003-06-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

Good things today: My math final was really easy, and I got at least an A-

Bad things today: ah, where to begin...

The callbacks for Chess were tonight. I sat around for three hours listening to all the other guys perform, then finally I got called for what I was there for, and it turns out that the part has sections in it that are too high for me to sing, so its bye bye Brian. Fuck. I hate my voice. People always tell me how cool it is and how awesome it sounds, but I really do hate it. If I were a tenor I could get parts in the plays I do, because every part ever is a tenor. And even the bass in this show has parts that are too high for me. What the fuck. That sucks more than I can put into words right now. I could have been doing so many more worthwhile things with those three hours. The first one I can think of is opening a vein.

Song of the day: Son of Man - Phil Collins

2003-06-17T07:23:00.000-04:00

In forty minutes I take my math final. I don't know anything, and you know what? I don't really care either. Ms. Martinelli is an awful teacher. It ought to be two good solid hours of fun.

Song of the day: Take on Me - Reel Big Fish

2003-06-12T21:50:00.000-04:00

If you have a bank account, you are in the wealthiest eight percent of the world population. One billion people in the world don't know how to read. More than half a million people die every year, from hunger. Maybe thats why I feel like such a piece of shit when I think about killing myself. I've got so much to be thankful for in my life, but I can't stop thinking about the few things I don't have. The world is a miserable place, even for the ninety-second percentile income bracket. True happiness is a one in a million occurance. In 1999 there were almost thirty thousand suicides in the United States. Three quarters of those people owned a bank account.

I own a bank account.

Song of the day: Karma Slave - Splashdown

2003-06-12T21:16:00.000-04:00

Finals are... well, they're finals. They're not an enjoyable experience.

I have English first period, and todays test was the most demoralizing experience of my life. For two hours I worked as thought I were five minutes from running out of time on an essay, and I was one of only two people (out of twenty) to finish before the bell rang. There were approximately one thousand three hundred seventy-six readings that we had never seen before. Of the one hundred thirty multiple choice, about one hundred fifteen of them were about completely new readings. And there was a new reading about every nine questions. Thats not to mention the two (yes, two) full five paragraph essays and the one million (yes, one million) other short answers... some of which were about more readings (yes, more readings) that we had never seen before.

2003-06-06T23:55:00.000-04:00

Shattered
Broken dreams and broken trusts
Even though I may have just
Imagined it all along
Scattered
My life is in such disarray
Don't know if I will find my way
Just sing this mournful song

Jaded
Feels like nettles and cold thorns
And since I am of woman born
My future now looks dim
Weighted
I used to long for just your touch
But nothing really hurts so much
As seeing you with him

By Brian Baskin

2003-05-30T00:29:00.000-04:00

I really like Strong Sad's taste in music. But I don't know if thats a good or a bad thing.
More biology words in scrabble! AUXIN - among the most abundant plant hormones, or a fourteen point play against Milli.
Tomorrow is the Frisbee Tournament on Spring Day. Yes, you're all expected to come cheer on the juniors as we whoop or get whooped by the seniors.

Song of the Day: Say Goodbye Good - Promise Ring

2003-05-28T22:40:00.000-04:00

Buck's County was last Friday, and that was a lot of fun even though it was raining the whole time. I did some hanging out with Jessica and Masha, niether of whom I had seen in some time, and it was good stuff. Me and Claire also spent about twenty minutes in the sex shop looking at porno themed birthday cards. And Scott puts it well when he says that I have the most fucked up encounters with girls ever. SM, JB, what's next?

I think (cross your fingers) I might be starting to get over Emily. Or at least accept the fact that she doesn't like me, and that nothing that she does has any underlying meaning I want it to. Accepting that has made it a lot easier to chill with her. However, I notice that I now need a new focus for my energy. I can't deal with not liking anyone, its not working out for me.

In other news, Milli played the word URACIL in scrabble last night, which was quite impressive. I followed up with AORTA, and in the fashion of a true biologist I played the word SEMEN today. Then I realized I was playing somebody I didn't even know, and it was probably considered at least a little wierd. I started quoting Shakespeare, so he wouldn't think I was a pervert.

I found the elephant!!! It's a beautiful thing.

Song of the Day: Down to the River to Pray - Alison Krauss

2003-05-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

Ugh, being sick sucks a lot. The prom, however, did not.

BRAWRRRRRR!

Yeah, so the prom was hella fun, and Alea looked fantabulous in her red dress. It turns out that the Highlawn Pavilion is like a thousand million times too small to host a prom, even for a puny school like mine.

I saw The Matrix Reloaded on Wednesday night, for the sneak preview at ten o'clock. It was absolutely a miracle that we made it into any showing. Originally we went to the Clifton Commons, with tickets preordered, but apparently we were sold tickets to a sold out show, and couldn't get in. Disappointed and dissolusioned we left, and here ensued a frantic ten minutes of everyone with a cell phone calling every theater in the tri-state area. Finally we get through to the Welmont, a sleazy little theater off of Bloomfield avenue that is at least twenty minutes away from the Clifton Commons. The show started in ten minutes. We made it.

W00T

2003-05-11T20:49:00.000-04:00

So the West Point Camporee. It was a good time, let me tell you. A goood time.

Did you know that John Kelly made a comedy CD? It is absolutely the most amazing thing ever created by human kind. Retarded human kind anyway.

Natalie. Anyone remember Dream Girl? 'Nuff said.

I got a picture with the trading post cashier, after walking up and saying "I'll take a twix, a coke and... you're number."

Peace

2003-05-06T21:06:00.000-04:00

I've been sleeping a whole bunch lately

2003-05-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

Grarrr.

I hate me

2003-04-29T14:54:00.000-04:00

Fuck you

2003-04-22T00:35:00.000-04:00

I went to Boston this weekend with Mr. Cadmus and Ed. It was a good time, to be sure. We went and looked at Tufts, BU and Brandeis, though the last of those was very closed for the holidays so we just got to look at its ugly architecture and ginormous laboratory from the outside. I really liked Tufts a lot, and BU was nice too though I don't like the whole city campus thing. Yeah, thats it for now.

2003-04-15T15:21:00.000-04:00

I bought myself a car from Adam's pappy. Its a '98 Mercury Tracer LS in Hunter Green, with 109000 miles on it, but it runs real nice and it gets me places I need to go. I payed $2500 for it, which is a really good deal. Of couse my dad is also making me pay the insurance, which is $500 dollars every six months, and the only coverage I get is if I hit someone else, but eh, whatever. I have a car!

2003-04-09T19:03:00.000-04:00

To anyone who I PMSed at yesterday, I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'll try to never drive like that much of a maniac again.

Anywho, today I up and went to South Orange. Amazingly enough I found my way there, due to Greg's amazing directions which I happened to remember (420 high street and two synagogues), and then I got to hang out with Amy and Alea! Yeah that was awesomeness squared. Driving is the coolest thing ever ever ever. It is the epitome of liberation. Well, no, I suppose the epitome of liberation would be stripping down to your skivvies and living in the woods in Alaska for twenty years, but its close.

2003-04-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

Nature's timing is impeccable.

My road test, April 7th 2003, in the middle of a blizzard. God damnit.

But I passed.

I have a license.

WOOT!

2003-04-06T18:57:00.000-04:00

You know what I just realized? My driving test is in 18 hours.

That's terrifying.

In other news, my birthday party was rockin. For all of you fine folks who skipped it (Reyshawn in particular) you missed a good party. It was living proof that a large group of people can have a good time without drugs or alcohol. Jeremy brought Dance Dance, which we set up in my living room, and there was enough for everyone to occupy themselves as much as they wanted. Also, there was lots of food to eat, which was a plus certainly. I like food. And people. I think there should be more excuses during the year to throw parties like that.

2003-04-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

Jealousy is the most depressing emotion ever. I'm uber happy for Jed and Milli, and hell I can even take some credit for that whole thing happening, but I can't stand to be with them when they're together because all I find myself thinking about is that I'll never have anything like they have now. I think I may have been born in the wrong genus, because I seem to hit it off a lot better with quadrupeds than with humans. Mike's dog loved me, and the cats got on pretty well with me too. That was while I was sitting out on the couch watching TV while Mike, Laura, Jed and Milli chilled in Mike's room. I felt very, very out of place with those four.

2003-04-02T18:42:00.000-05:00

"These guys may be good at tennis, but look at their team name. The minutemen? Come on, you might get your asses kicked out there, but you've got stamina where it really counts: in the bedroom." - 'an advisor' to the JV tennis team, during our match with Newark Academy.

2003-03-31T22:57:00.000-05:00

I've written five sonnets in the pasts two days. Five. Thats crazy. And a short story. And I finished my novella. And I started a new big story today in Creative Writing. I have a muse. Its fantastic.

2003-03-31T17:50:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a moment that you wish would last forever? They're becoming more and more frequent as I spend more and more time with her. Last night at about one o'clock in the morning, as I was having more trouble sleeping, I got up and alleviated my boredom by writing a story. I wrote five pages about my Saturday night. I took a little poetic license, but for the most part its pretty true to life. If its short enough I'm gonna put it in the literary magazine. I'm also putting one of my sonnets in. The one thats a few posts down the page. (Hint: go read, I'm plugging my writing).

2003-03-30T20:18:00.000-05:00

hey guyz-
this is a reminder that you have no yet brought in your check for your
serion shirt. the amount is 14 dollars and it is made out to Caitlin
O'CONnell. I will NOT accept cash. Please bring it in by Tuesday April
1st. NO ACCEPTIONS. THank you. If you don't bring in the money you will
not get a shirt and i know you all want one.

-Caitlin

The game is, who can find the most stupid typos or grammatical errors in Caitlin O'Connel's e-mail? If you get them all I'll give you a prize: My undying love.

2003-03-30T00:13:00.000-05:00

One kiss from you would last a lifetime
A fleeting moment, that soft embrace
Of your lips, like a fine wine
Beyond measure, time and place.
But for that my hollow suffering
Resounding, empty and obscure
Would be worth all I'm offering
If you would share a love so pure.
On the day you know another
First and foremost, and not me
On that day the word 'smother'
Would echo in eternity.
That is the way my love goes
Soft and fragile, with the bite of a rose.

Tonight I discovered what the most wonderful thing in all the world is. Having somebody you love fall asleep in your arms.

2003-03-29T14:19:00.000-05:00

What am I supposed to do when the man who was my hero from the earliest I can remember until very recently admits to me that he isn't a good parent? How can I help? I did my best. I told him what happened with Stephanie. I told him what I found, but he doesn't know what to do with the information. My sister keeps on lying and my dad just doesn't know what to do about it. She threatens to walk out, she screams and carries on, all the while claiming that Amir wasn't here. Its tearng the family apart faster than anything ever has in the past. Why does he come to me and ask me for advice. Me, his sixteen year old son. He doesn't go to his wife. He goes to me. Why don't they talk any more? Both of them tell me everything and each other nothing. And I don't know what to do about it.

2003-03-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was supposed to go see Mouse Trap at Studio with Jessica, but I didn't. Instead I went up to somewhere on Long Island to visit my Great Aunt for her 85th birthday. Damn thats old. The nursing home she lives in is really nice, but at the same time really depressing. There's all these old people going around being old and doing everything really slowly. I don't want to be old. Being old has got to suck. So I got home almost in time to go see Mouse Trap anyway, but I really didn't want to go just because I know that Jessica is not interested in me so much as she just likes to talk to me about her problems with her ex and how she wants to get back together with him, and whining about how much relationships suck, and I really wasn't in the mood for two and a half hours of that. So instead I up and invited a couple people to go the club with me for dinner. Emily, Milli and Claire came. We had lots of fun eating the very high class establishment that is the country club with our elbows on the table, and establishing that Claire's legs are fat. Not really. But her toes are ugly. Then afterwords we all came back to my house to watch/make fun of oscarmania. That was fun too. Today I had school, and part of school was the Bio Olympiad semi-final. Let me paraphrase some of the disclaimer from this two hour writing exam.

Congratulations! You are one of 450 students across the nation to take this test today. Keep in mind while you are taking this that these questions are designed to be exceedingly difficult, and simply being here is quite an achievement. That said, do your best, but don't feel bad when you can't answer any of the questions unless your name is Phil Steindel. You are worthless slime. You are feeling sleepy. Send ten dollars to this address...

Well, thats not exactly what it said, but you get the picture. It was so amazingly beyond my comprehension. I knew maybe half the terms on it. Maybe. I answered two out of four question sets with some degree of confidence that what I had written might pass for what was supposed to be there. Half of the third one was pretty well shammed, and the rest I might as well have left blank. I didn't even draw the graphs when they asked me to, and you know why? I didn't know what that kind of graph was supposed to look like. The crowning achievement, however, must have been putting my gender down as XY. Thats the kicker. Big time biology jokester. After school I went to the head doctors, and they took blood because they think I might be anemic, and they took urine because they don't believe me when I tell them I don't do any more drugs. The urine taking was like prison regiment. I was taken to a special bathroom for drug testing, they put this crazy brown stuff in the toilet water so that they would know if I flushed I guess, the whole top area of the toilet was taped up with bright orange tape that said "OFFICIAL EVIDENCE: DO NOT TAMPER," and I was peeing in a cup. Pretty little picture, its true. Later tonight I'm going to my boy scout meeting. Woot woot.

2003-03-24T18:28:00.000-05:00

I have easy mac being cooked right now. It takes five minutes, and I needed something to kill the time. I promise when right after I eat I'll come write a real long blog about my sunday/monday combo package. Meanwhile, I hear the microwave bleeping.

2003-03-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

Chalk another one up for me. I've got another girl who comes to me because I listen to her problems. That makes about a million. It'd be a lot easier if I was gay, because then it wouldn't be so wierd that I'm everyone and their sister's gay best friend.

2003-03-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

Melkor583: i always roll snake eyes
Melkor583: it sucks
uprightmanshark: holy fucking holy fucking holy fucking shit
uprightmanshark: i was just thinking the word snake eyes when you messaged me

Wow. Greg, you are among the funniest people that have ever lived on this green planet of ours.

2003-03-23T00:37:00.000-05:00

I am on a roll tonight!

Two down, one to go. And technically I've already failed that one too, so why do I continue to hope? I don't know either.

2003-03-23T00:19:00.000-05:00

Give them an inch and they'll take an ell, thats what they always say.

Optimism got the better of me again, and now I'm paying the price.

violetmyles: i just hope u realize im just looking for friendship right now

So about that whole player thing from the last post. Yeah. Wrong again.

One down, two to go.

2003-03-22T23:57:00.000-05:00

Alea had a crush on me when we first met. WHOA! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH! That is absolutely amazing. Mind blowing. I liked her soooooooooooooo much. Like, so so so sooooo much its not even a little bit funny.

Hecate48: now that you have jessica, can i tell you somthing ?
Melkor583: yes indeed
Hecate48: when i first met you, i had the biggest crush on you

That would be about where my mind went completely numb.

Lets go through the events that led up to both of us assuming that we couldn't have the other one... on second thought lets not. Its kinda depressing to think how close I was to having the coolest girl in the entire world, and now I can't have her. Blech. I hate circumstance.

But its still an amazing confidence booster to think that somebody as amazing as Alea could have liked me enough that it depressed her when I talked about other girls. Little did she know that I was getting all depressed whenever she talked about other guys. Haha. Oh the irony.

And now my emotions enter a state of turmoil.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Jessica.
I still like Emily.
And now's there's even more.
Oh the joys of a social life.
Since when have I been such a player?
Geez

2003-03-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to sleep at seven, and didn't wake up until ten this morning. Then when I got home from tennis at two, I went back to sleep until six. I'm gonna go to sleep again soon. I should be going to Greg's show, but I don't really feel like it. Emily is being antisocial this weekend. I think its because she doesn't want to go out and do anything that I might be involved in. I'm not really sure why, but I think that must be it. Could have something to do with the fact that she hasn't actually seen Paul in about forever and a half.

2003-03-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

Jessica came to the show on Sunday. YAY! Jessica stayed through the whole set strike and hung out with me. YAY x a million!

2003-03-15T23:36:00.000-05:00

Another show tonight. Whatever. Yeah, so the party is going on now and I'm not there. Personally I think thats a good choice. I don't enjoy hanging out around a bunch of people who are completely hammered and all over each other, so I'm not. And so what if I'm not going to Nevada with the rest of you, that doesn't mean something is terribly wrong with me.

Even if it is.

2003-03-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Tennis this morning was very early. I worked out real hard and now I'm all sore, and then I went and found out I'm actually still halfway adept at the sport. That was a surprise. I also caught a ball in the forehead off a bad bounce. That was fun.

2003-03-15T02:12:00.000-05:00

Just got home from the cast party. Remember when I said I wasn't gonna go to another cast party because I wasn't gonna be in the play? Well as I had feared then, I had a really horrible time at the cast party tonight. Not that I don't enjoy making terrible attempts to Dance Dance, but my mood just dropped through the floor and I don't really know why. OK, thats a lie, I do know why. I just wish that I knew what was going on in that head. Where's the logic in any of the actions. Gah.

The show was good. I had a good time. My dance went well. Matt Geraci came. He's awesome. He said I looked hot in my dance costume. That's like a super compliment, since he's gay and blunt. But he was wrong. I'm not hot in anything.

2003-03-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

The show opens tonight. Woot woot.

So last night was the final dress rehearsal, and a bunch of PV kids were there to see us. I <3 PV kids. Mostly PV theater kids. They own. In particular I was in total shock to see Jessica Byrne, who I got really close with during Godspell but really haven't seen since. Godspell was two summers ago. Long time. But it was real good to see her, and it brightened my spirits greatly. She filled me in a little on what was going on in her life, such as her boyfriend, the guy she had started dating way back during Godspell, dumping her because she didn't put out enough. Isn't that just a terrible reason to dump somebody? Well I think so. Then later she IMed me, just as I was trying to figure out a way that I could get her screen name. She beat me to it.

The show opens tonight. Woot woot.

2003-03-13T00:59:00.000-05:00

Argh. It's super duper late. It's a Wednesday. I'm waiting for my dad to get home from playing pool. My backpack is in his car, and his cell phone is off. I'm screwed. I need to do my THQ. It's in my backpack. I have a 79.7 average in Physics. I need to do my THQ.

Now its almost one. I've kept Milli and Emily up late with me. I feel bad, but technically I did tell them to go to sleep, even urged them, so its not my fault, right?"

Weee! He's home. Gotta go get my books and do my homework. Adios muchachos.

I'm tired

2003-03-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

What. The. Hell. Why can nobody answer a simple question for me. Not just any simple question, I'm talking one simple question in particular, which I have tried on a multidude of members of the opposite sex. That would be "What is it about me that girls don't like?" I tried my trump card tonight. I asked someone who I was sure wouldn't feel bad laying it on me, telling me exactly what it was about me that drove them all away. But even Julia Segal didn't have an answer for me. What the fuck does that mean? Just bad karma or something, is that why girls never like me? Was I just chosen by god in the beginning, marked to be a parriah from society, and girls really don't understand whats wrong with me but they know something is, so they just shy away from me? I don't mean I don't speak to any girls. On the contrary, I have a whole lot of female friends. But friends is as far as I've ever been with a girl. (Or a guy, get your mind out of the... I don't even want to know where it was.) I've tried on occasions that are getting to number so great that soon it will just be too much effort to count them. Still batting zero though. And nobody can explain it to me.

I guess what I'm really getting at is, if you happen to be a female and you are reading this, please be kind and tell me, in as harsh terms as you can, what the hell is wrong with me, so that I can make some attempt to change it before its too late altogether. Thank you.

2003-03-09T21:44:00.000-05:00

Quote of the day

Hecate48: yes, i said it, contrary to popular belief, alea pierro is NOT a lesbian

2003-03-09T21:17:00.000-05:00

Prologue

Luther Kincaid’s eighteenth birthday was cause for a blowout bash. His friends had prepared the surprise party meticulously, from the crowd of people he knew unexpectedly being in the diner right down to the joke order form by all his younger friends for Playboy magazines. Luther’s birthday was in the summer before his senior year in high school, and he was one of the oldest people in his grade. All of the friends that he had who were older than him were going off to college in the next month. Everyone cheered when he blew out the candles, and everyone cheered even louder when he agreed to go to the newsstand right down the block and pick up the July issue, “Girls of FedEx,” for everyone to enjoy. Nobody made a big deal of the fact that the whole thing was overshadowed by Congress’s declaration of war on Iraq the previous day.
Later in the afternoon, Luther’s friend Anthony decided that they should celebrate further with some nostalgia, so the two of them picked up John, Kayla, Beth and Michelle and headed off to the mall for some hardcore “Dance Dance Revolution” competition. As usual, Luther was the reigning champion, and John spent most of the time playing Time Crisis II instead of wasting his money frivolously trying to beat the undisputed dance master. The rest of that summer was spent enjoying each other’s company and whiling away the hours ignoring their summer homework.
It wasn’t until September that the draft was called.

“This morning President Bush announced the decision to draft a portion of the youth of America. There was a cry of outrage from many leading Democrats, but it appears that the majority wins in this decision. More on this later. And now you’re local news. Judy?”
Tony turned off the TV. “Holy shit. That’s absolutely unbelievable.” There was a nod of agreement from the other two sitting in the room.
“They say they aren’t going to draft any college students yet,” John said.
“But we’re not in college.”
“Maybe they’ll extend that to high school?” he replied hopefully, though they all knew that was asking too much. Luther stood up from the kitchen table, where he was sitting, and left his mug of hot chocolate.
“They called the first birthdays that are going to be drafted,” he said quietly. “I’m leaving in a week.” There was a heavy silence.
“Well, fuck,” Tony muttered.
“I’d better go an pack,” he said, and he left the room.
“I think this is half-empty today,” John said, picking up the mug. It left a dark, round stain on the wood of the tabletop. He wiped at it with his hand, but it didn’t go away. “Well, fuck.”

“...in this decision. More on this later. And now you’re local news. Judy?”
Beth turned off the TV. “Oh my god.”
“I don’t believe it,” Kayla said. “I don’t want to believe it. I won’t believe it.”
“Luther is eighteen,” Michelle whispered.
“Tony turns eighteen in December,” said Beth.
“John turns eighteen in April,” said Kayla. She slammed her fist against the armrest of the couch. “No! I won’t believe this!” She got up and stormed out of the room. As soon as she was gone, the phone rang. Beth picked it up.
“It’s Luther,” she said, and handed it to Michelle.
“Oh no...” Michelle said, trembling. “Oh, no. He’s leaving in a week.” She hung up the phone, and the two girls held each other tight and started to cry. In a room upstairs, Kayla could hear the sobs coming up through the vents, as she stared numbly at the screen in front of her. April, she thought. Eight months.

Alone in his room that night, John stared helplessly at the ceiling. His thoughts and emotions roiled about like stormy weather on the high seas, and he was a lost mariner trying to find his way home. Luther, his friend since fourth grade, left in seven days on a mission from which he could very well not come back from. Luther, the boy who he had been sent to the principal’s office for hitting in the middle of class, was going to be sent to basic training in the swamps of Mississippi at the whim of some maniacal drill sergeant who got off on other people’s pain. War is a time when masochists find work doing something they truly enjoy. Luther, the friend whose car had been the sight of his first kiss, was no more than a boy even at the age of eighteen, but in six grueling months he was going to be hardened into a man who none of them would recognize. And two months after that, so would John.

2003-03-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

Melkor583: well paul's not nice to me
blondie5579: ok thats probably true
Melkor583: he made fun of me in the hallway
blondie5579: what did he do to you?
blondie5579: when?
Melkor583: and then was like "i wonder why he doesn't like me"
Melkor583: on friday
Melkor583: i thought milli had told you about that
Melkor583: she was there for it
blondie5579: oh right she did tell me
blondie5579: i'll talk to him about that
blondie5579: but, sorry about that
Melkor583: eh, not your fault
Melkor583: and you don't have to talk to him about it either
blondie5579: well i dont want him to make fun of you
Melkor583: have you talked to him at all this weekend? i mean, more than a few words here and there online
blondie5579: we talked for like half an hour on saturday, but ive been busy
blondie5579: i dont know where he is right now
blondie5579: but he had therapy for his shoulder earlier today i think
Melkor583: online or over the phone?
blondie5579: just online
Melkor583: well thats better than nothing i suppose
blondie5579: i could have called him, its not his responsibility
blondie5579: so just leave it alone
Melkor583: ok
blondie5579: im sorry you dont like him but i cant do anything about that
Melkor583: hey i didn't say that
blondie5579: well i know you dont like him
Melkor583: that doesn't mean what i was saying has anything to do with me liking him or not
Melkor583: i just think a boyfriend and girlfriend should talk a little more than half an hour online the weekend that they start going out, but hey, thats just my opinion
blondie5579: its not my fault i had rehearsal for 7 hours
blondie5579: and if wasnt out with you i could have talked to him
Melkor583: there's more than 7 hours in a weekend
blondie5579: ok, i had to go out today
blondie5579: he had to go out today
Melkor583: look i'm not trying to piss you off here
blondie5579: i was out from 7-12:30 last night, with you.
Melkor583: i'm not saying thats bad
blondie5579: i know because you'd rather me be with you than him
Melkor583: you're right, i would, and i think its a little strange that you're going out with somebody who you haven't really ever hung out with outside of the school building, and i think its even stranger that he hasn't made much of an attempt to hang out with you this weekend, because yes i think it is the male's responsibility in this case
blondie5579: he has had wrestling every single day, and it makes it a little more difficult when neither of us can drive
blondie5579: and even if he tried to hang out with me i probably would have been busy
blondie5579: and he knows i'll have a lot more time once the shows over
Melkor583: he still could have tried
blondie5579: its not his responsibility
Melkor583: it is his responsibility as much as its yours. you're his girlfriend
blondie5579: yea, and it has nothing do to with you, so why dont you leave us the fuck alone
blondie5579 signed off at 8:10:44 PM.

2003-03-09T02:46:00.000-05:00

I had more fun tonight than I've had in a very, very long time. I don't know what it was, but everything really just cheered me up a lot. I went to see Forum at Columbia with Greg, Annie, Claire and Emily. First off, for those of you that don't know, A Funny Happened on the Way to the Forum is absolutely, positively, undebatably my favorite show in all of creation. The genius that went into its creation cannot be described in words alone. All I have to say is do yourself a favor and get to know the show intimately, like I did the summer before my freshmen year, when it was my life for the course of five weeks. Those, I can safely say, were the most consistently happy five weeks of my life. Everything tonight reminded me of them, from the overture making me think of quivering backstage moments before lights came up opening night to the song that marked my character's first cue to going to a diner till late in the night like I did every night then. The way they did the show was different from ours, it wasn't better and I won't say it was worse, it was just different. I really enjoyed it. The characters were so unique, and even though I'm so familiar with the show I found myself being surprised and impressed by the way things were interpreted and played over and over again. In particular I have to hand it to Mike Patierno, because the role of Pseudolus is not an easy one by any means, and he made it look like a seven year old could have done it while juggling caged lab rats that hadn't been fed since the full moon last month. Miles, even with his ungodly short hair, was just as impressive as I expected in his armor playing Miles Gloriosus, and his skimpy little white man arms only added to the humor of the part. Amy, playing Vibrata, showed off her dancing talent once again not only through her own mellifluous movements but by the overall skill and competence of all the dancers in the show, since she was the Dance Captain. But of course, I'm forgetting someone! And how could I, because the show would be nothing at all without the amazing, incredible, astounding, astonishing, opulent (quite a buildup, no?) Alea Pierro on spotlight! *The crowd goes wild! It is a madhouse down there. Damnit, John I told you we should not have told them about her, everyone loves her too much. Now how the hell are we supposed to get their attention back?* For those of you who didn't realize, I was talking to John Porter, my alter ego and the star of Dream Girl, my highest quality completed work to date. He lives in my head at the moment, though who knows where you might see him starring next. He has short, spiked brown hair and a shy smile and glasses because who needs glasses when they've got 20/15 vision? and even though he doesn't have a girlfriend because he found out rather abruptly that the girl he thought he had been going steady with for the better part of a year was really no more than an elaborate dream gone wild, he's the happiest guy in the world. Watch for him playing feature roles or just with cameos in future Brian Baskin productions, because he sure is into acting, and though he might not be the John Porter you all recognize from Dream Girl, he will indeed be everyone's favorite John Porter. **Brian, I have to hand it to you, that was one helluva way to get their attention back. What can I say. They love me.** In case you were curious, I have conversations like that in my head all the time, and I try to remember to consult him before any major decisions. Tonight he advised against some of the actions that I took anyway, warning me that I may well be getting involved with another "Natalie." (Don't worry guys, if you're completely lost that's because you didn't read Dream Girl. This is the part where I plug it mercilessly. Come talk to me if you want to read it. Its the only way you're ever going to decipher the real meaning of this post. And believe me, this post has a real, serious meaning. But where was I. Oh yeah.) He warned me, but I didn't listen, and I'm hoping he wasn't right, although he probably was. It seems to me that this particular time our "Natalie" may well be unaware of what she's doing. Either she is so innocent that she doesn't know, or she's a very, very confused child. Either way it made my night tonight even better. A combination of things went into making tonight so awesome. One was Forum. Another was Alea. The last was Greg, Annie, Em and Claire being there with me. The only way tonight could have been any better is if Milli and Jeremy could have been there, but we can't have everything, and this was pretty damn close, so I'm not gonna complain. After the show we went and congratulated the cast members we knew, said hi to Michelle and Brittany, who we ran into there, and spirited Alea away to the diner. There, we were "interviewed" by a bunch of ameteurs who claimed to be doing a documentary, but were really just doing this for their own and our amusement. They video taped everyone at the table, though me and Greg were the only ones who didn't have our faces covered, and asked us what our favorite kind of pornography was. My answer, lesbian action. Greg's: Interracial. I don't think there could have been a funnier answer in the world. Like, at all. Oooh, and we can't forget to thank Claire, even though she's not going to read this, for bailing me out of a run-in with Sam Alter. I though I had avoided him, but he caught me when I was leaving, and started holding my hand a little too long for comfort when I shook it, until Claire came over and took my arm. The look on Sam's face was absolutely priceless. He did a bit of a double take and asked if we were going out. Claire nodded. I made up some stupid excuse about a curfew. We walked away briskly. I have to give mad props to Claire for being so level headed. Sam's surprise was no doubt due to Jesse Cohen telling Sam I was gay. I'm not gay. Really. I'm not.

2003-03-08T18:27:00.000-05:00

I went to Florida for the February break, that was super duper warm and relaxing, then I came back and found out that I wasn't in most of the second act of the show because of that. Nor am I in most of the first act because of the whole quitting-rejoining thing. Sooo... I'm not in most of the show. But the parts I am in are damn sexy. I found out two days ago (eight days before we open) that I am also going to be playing the newscaster, because the person who was supposed to bailed due to conflicts. I learned the two lines in about two minutes. But I think the crowning achievement of the play may be me, in tight black leather pants, a wife beater, suspenders and a derby hat, being the lead male dancer in the opening of act two. It is beyond sexy. Like, so far beyond that the rest of the guys are all sexy and I just look stupid and out of place. But I get to seduce Allison Tashima so its all good.

Paul and Emily started going out yesterday.

Last night we went to see Old School, but the bastard people kicked us out. After about twenty minutes of movie the jerk came in and made us get up and leave, so we just went to the pet store and then came back to my house and watched Little Nemo, which is by far and away the greatest piece of artwork ever produced by the likes of the human race. And did you know that the screenplay was written by the guy who directed the first two Harry Potter movies? Me niether, until last night. Milli and Jed got on well, and I did lots of night driving practicing. Everybody says I'm a good driver, but I've got something to admit to you all... I already knew that. Just kidding, I'm not that concieted. And I did manage to get my car stuck in the snow earlier that day so I'm pretty sure I don't really know what I'm doing yet. Did anyone else ever realize how goddamn hard it is to push a car in neutral by yourself? Because of course I had driven off alone when I managed to do this. And it was in somebody's driveway who I don't know, so I had to get it out fast. Whew, quite the strain.

Paul and Emily... started going out yesterday.

I wrote my bio for the show. I'll give all you guys a little sneak preview. "Brian Baskin's performance today is brought to you by the letter R, for happy." I also wrote three other bios. Emily's, Milli's and Annie's, and I made sure each of them thanked me at least once. Milli's thanked me twice. Practice today was long and tiring. I think I'm bipolar, because I exhibit a lot of the symptoms. Actually, the only symptom I really know is violent mood swings with no noticable trigger, and I have those a lot. And its from like super high highs to pitifully low lows. There's like a switch, and this morning when I woke up it was on low. So for most of the morning of rehearsal, I was avoiding people and telling them things were fine until they went away, then I slept through the whole musical run through on the couch backstage. Then later the switch went to high, and even the fact that they didn't wait for me to do our male dance number didn't really phase me too much. I'm hoping it stays on high for the night. I'm going to see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum tonight at Columbia High School. Woot woot! It had better be everything I hope it will be and more. And everyone knows what that means.... I get to see Alea! Yay.

Paul and Emily... (fill in the blank)

I came to an impasse in my writing of my current story earlier this week for creative writing, but I got around it. Hip hip, hooray! I wasted a couple class periods doodling though. And then Friday I really couldn't work because the people sitting all around me were talking about how much they were looking forward to getting wasted this weekend. And guess what! They were all but one peer leaders. And that one was a freshmen in one of their groups. Doesn't that give you faith in the system? I think that guarantees that I will not be getting a position as a peer leader, because those are the people that are going to be voting, and they're going to vote for their drinking buddies, just like last year they got voted in by their drinking buddies. Its a catch-22. Its also the reason Glen Ridge stays such a big drinker's town. I have to go to the group interview a little late, too, because I'm trying out for Quillow, the show that Ben Liebert wrote, that night. I would try out this Sunday, but I'm gonna be doing a show.

Paul + Emily = Paul and Emily

I started working on an actual serious poem, but so far I've only got the title. Isn't that interesting. Well, I had something a little bit more before but then I fell asleep on the couch and forgot it. I'll remember it later. The title is Ivory, From Afar. If you can guess what its about, I'll give you a million dollars. Well, not really, because somebody might actually get it, but I doubt that. But let me just lay your fears to rest now and tell you its not about Emily. That better? I hope so. If I was writing poetry about Emily, I wouldn't tell anybody, except by dropping subtle hints. *cough*cough*subtle*cough*cough* Me and Mike Fileti stole an R from the movie theater last night. It's sitting on my desk. It stands for happy, and it makes me happy.

You'd think PE would stand for Physical Education, but it doesn't. Today its for Paul and Emily.

2003-02-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

I just took my first real step towards actually attending West Point, or at least making it my first choice when my application process starts next fall. I e-mailed the admissions office, at the behest of Mrs. Coburn, because she thinks that there are a number of things I may have to do this year in order to qualify to go there. Mr. Hanley is looking into it for me as well, his nephew Kevin is a senior now and has been sponsoring Troop 55 to go to the jamboree for the last four years. He's already given me the name and phone number of the local recruiting officer for the academy, and said that Kevin or another cadet would be happy to have me come visit the school and shadow them for a day. I'd really like to at least do that, and get to know what the academic part of the school is like. I know the summer training program is hell on Earth, but I'm kind of looking forward to that.

Friday was a snow day, and of all the ironies I was deathly ill. I spent the majority of the day asleep, and when I wasn't asleep I was either in the bathroom vomiting or at the doctor's office, vomiting. All in all a very dismal day. The rest of the weekend I sort of just lounged around, then on Sunday I filmed my Macbeth video. Adam and Eric did an awesome job with all the hard stuff on the day that I was sick, and I got the easy part with only one monologue, which we put on a cue card. I have to give them credit for it, it really was a good production. Even if Eric rocks back and forth too much when he acts. Adam's facial expression totally make up for it though. Niether of them are really actors, but thats okay, it was just an English project. I like how me and Adam describe Adam's portrayal of Macduff. It wasn't Macduff, it was Adam in plastic armor.

I just burned a CD for Emily for Valentine's day. Cheaper than a carnation, but I might cave and send one of those to her too. Oh yeah, and I wrote a poem. I wish I didn't like her so much, because then it wouldn't suck so bad that she likes Paul Gerbino. Ugh... that kid is so annoying and arrogant and condacsending and he looks like a weasel and... ugh. Apparently he likes her back, so it seems that as soon as wrestling season is over sparks will be flying, though once again I won't be carrying the current. That will make Emily very happy, and thats the only thing in the arrangement that pleases me. Other than that the whole thing kind of sucks my left nut.

2003-02-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

This is the satire I wrote for english class. We were supposed to write a one to two page story, but one of the examples we read was in verse, and I love verse so I decided to write mine in verse. It fills a page on size fourteen, but I figure she'll give me mad props for the poetry bit so it won't matter that its so short.

Teeny Bopper Revolution

His hand finds the chord with practiced ease
This crowd he knows will be easy to please.
He strums the strings and sends sound out like a wave
With support from his drummer, that scurvy knave.
A roar of approval comes from the mob
Like peasants at The Globe they drool and slob
Their hands all held high in the air
With posters showing the bassist’s long hair.
This man is no ordinary rock star
His looks surpass Jupiter by far
In a heartbeat he could make Venus swoon
And have his pick of the Sirens just by humming a tune.
Meanwhile at the moment it is teenage girls ogling;
How he got so lucky is really mind-boggling.
They faint left and right when he comes too near
It’s almost as if he is something they fear.
But the few who are brave, when they’re within reach
Start by pulling his hair, his privacy they breach.
His clothes are the next victims, dragged away screaming
With rips and tears his pale skin is soon beaming.
This is what those girls love to contact
Its milky whiteness makes the moon look black.
But soon the valiant security guards
Come to the rescue like blood red Mars.
What many girls hope is that Cupid’s arrow
Will strike the heart of this modern day pharaoh.
But alas, what they all find out in the end
Is that like all great catches, he’s got a boyfriend.

2003-02-05T01:25:00.000-05:00

Its just after one o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday night, and I can't sleep. Why you ask? Good question, and I think I have the answer. It probably goes back about two and a half hours to when I woke up from what was supposed to be a twenty minute nap. My mom snuck in and killed the lights, and I slept from six to ten thirty. Aargh. So now I'm wide awake, and the only person online is Annie. Now while Annie is good fun to talk to, I'm trying to make her go to sleep because it's a school night and she didn't take a four and a half hour nap. Also, I can multitask, so here I am writing in my blog for the first time in a while. OK, time for a week in review. Very limited review, because I am very, very lazy.

I slept from about 4 o'clock straight through until morning on Wednesday and Thursday nights last week. I took three sleeping pills each afternoon, that knocked me out good. The Friday I went to Claire's house with her, Milli and Annie. That was fun and exciting and I managed to be a complete idiot once again and put myself and one of my friends in a very awkward situation. Twice in one week. Impressive. Not. Needless to say I cleared things up and everything is back to good now. Then Saturday I went to the mall with Greg, Jeremy, Claire, Annie and Emily. We watched Greg and Jeremy rock the Dance Dance Revolution old school. Now there's some style for you. Then we came back to Glen Ridge and got Milli, and went to Wendy's where I consumed an entire cow that was compressed into a classic triple. Those things are so amazingly greasy, it felt like it was dripping directly into a newly forming double chin on my face. Or a triple chin. I don't remember what happened Sunday or Monday, so I guess it wasn't so important. Today after school Eric came over and we filmed the first part of our Macbeth project. That involved lots of running around in little kid plastic armor. But it was exceedingly cold outside and their was a large amount of failing light, so we only got a little bit done. However, that's a little bit more than we had done before today, which was nothing.

Now it's time to end this post very abruptly.

2003-01-28T23:26:00.000-05:00

Well its been a week of some pretty extreme ups and downs. I'll do a breif reassessment of the important points... oh wait I don't care, that's not what I came here to talk about. I have to tell everyone that reads this and that I filled in on my so-called situation (I think that's just Amy, but who knows) that I was living in a dream world once again, so don't get you're hopes up and I'll try to never again either. It's funny how the simple phrase "You know I was kidding, right?" could bring be from freewheeling carefree through the clouds crashing down to the depths of despair in a matter of about a second and a half. Its like a roller coaster, but nobody's ever there to hold my hand when I scared. I've made a list of manic-depressive disorder related resolutions I've made with myself tonight.

>Quit the show for good. I don't like the show, I don't want the social contact, I should have stuck with what I said before and just not tried out but I never follow trhough on what I say so that didn't happen, but hopefully I can make that right by quitting now.
>Convince the doctors to raise my dosage of PROZAC because its nice to walk around in a legal drug induced haze of happiness all the time.
>Get some pot and smoke with Jesse Cohen because I should have done that a long time ago.
>Get Emily to go see Mrs. Kobalinski if her MRI doesn't make things better in her head.
>Stockpile about 30 pills of ecstasy so which I can pop at a moment's notice. I need a nice, easy, emergency out. I think I'll keep them in my Bullshit Repellent jar.
>Come to terms with the fact that I'm going to live out my miserable existence alone just as I always have, and that no amount of hoping or praying from me is going to change that.
>Take nobody seriously any more because jokes suck.
>Not care when my parents find out how badly I did on all my midterms.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
No, you're a 30 million dollar piece of malfunctioning government equipment." - from The Bourne Identity

2003-01-21T00:10:00.000-05:00

there was a time when i would have given all that i had
for you to return my feelings for you
there was a time when i would have given all that i had
and yes, i suppose its still true
but i sense the days are gone now when we could tell each other
our secrets, our desires, our hopes and our dreams
for time is pulling us apart too quickly
now you barely even talk to me, it seems
it is a time when i would give all that i have
once again, to get to know you
it is a time when i would give all that i have
but thats a dream that i doubt will come true

2003-01-16T17:51:00.000-05:00

I've been cast as the part of Mr. Spencer, the racist father of one of the main characters. Again typecast as the old man. Oh well. My wife to be (on stage) tells me we're only in one or two scenes. Oh well. Yay for schedule changes, no more history honors with freaking Mrs. Conklin. Boo for history changes, no more block four creative writing with Emily and Milli. Yay for schedule changes, eigth block study with Reed, Max and James. Boo for schedule changes, no more block four creative writing. So I'm gonna stay in the show and try not to let myself get depressed/pissed off at the people in it, and maybe I'll go to the cast parties too. Just hopefully I won't have to go to a lot of rehearsals so I won't have to spend to much time watching everyone else be happy with their girlfriends. Sunday is Scott's girlfriend's sweet sixteen party, and I've been invited, so I need to make sure my suit is clean by then and find myself a ride (Greg? I'll cough up some change for gas). I've gone back to some level of productivity in my new Creative Writing period, but I don't think that has anything to do with the schedule change, I didn't really ever talk to Milli or Emily in the old block anyway. I mean, they were all the way on the other side of the room, and if I went over Mrs. Pollak told me not to disturb them and Devon Brown made fun of me for "flirting" with the freshmen girls.

2003-01-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

Callbacks today were the biggest waste of my time since the invention of homework. I sat there for three hours and had thirty seconds of stage time. I read for a crappy little bit part, once. That was it. Wowie zowie. I don't think I'm gonna do the show, even though Emily ended up doing it and she wants me to stay in it. Why the hell should I care if she wants me to stay in it, she doesn't like me anyway.

2003-01-13T19:39:00.000-05:00

Auditions were today for the school play. Things didn't go over exactly as planned, but it doesn't really matter. I said a while ago that I wasn't gonna be doing the play, and that may still hold true. From what I've heard about the show we're doing there isn't really a part that I could do with any degree of success, and as long as I'm not a lead I think I can quit without causing too much of a problem for Darren. I left the auditions before everyone had gone, and Emily was still maintaining that she wasn't gonna audition. Well, I hope she changed her mind because she'd have a good time doing the show, but it really doesn't effect me either way if I'm not in the show. The announcment board right inside the door of the school says "I have a dream... that we will have a three day weekend." Now, I'm not really someone who likes people who get all angry about racism, but I think thats a little wrong. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his life for his cause, and now we're mocking and making light of his most important moment? Thats just my little tirade for the day. I'm gonna drop out of honors history because I have a D in that class and I can't do any better than that. I'm a terrible, terrible history student. The drop will force me to shuffle my schedule a little bit. I'll be moving into block two CP history, shunting my math class to block seven, switching physics to block four and hopefully independently taking independant study in creative writing block three, moving my study hall to block eight, where I currently have history. Very complex, I know. I think everyone should update their blogs more often. You hear that everyone? Update more often. Because I said so.

2003-01-12T22:31:00.000-05:00

I haven't really been updating a lot lately because there's a lot of shit going on in my life that I don't want some of the people who read this to find out about. I've found out a lot about my family and myself in the last week, and a lot of it has been pretty unsettling. So I'll be taking a break from making serious posts for a while. I'll still be here now and then putting in trivial bits of information about my comings and goings, but there won't be so much of my personal feelings. If you're reading this then, well, yes it could be you I'm talking about not wanting to read about my life, but you can take solace in the fact that even if you are, you aren't the only one. Also, you're probably not, because I wouldn't mind if the majority of my readers knew. Friday night I went to the dance. I haven't been to a regular school dance in about two years, and to tell you the truth I had forgotten why I didn't go. I had a good time at the Candy Cane, and I actually danced. Thats because at the Candy Cane I had a date and several other people that I could dance with. At the school dance there was nobody that I could dance with, and I wasn't gonna just dance with myself. It was a sobering reminder that I'm a loser. I'm not going back to the school dances anymore, unless I get nominated for homecoming king. How can a loser get nominated for homecoming king, you ask? Well, I've got a lot of loser friends and they'll all be voting for the nominations, that can become a lot of votes. Its a long shot but its the only way I'll ever go back to a school dance. Last night I went to Two Towers for the fourth time. I went with Marcy and Lizzie, and we met a couple of Marcy's friends at the theater. This one friend of Marcy's, Alex, is amazing. She's a big Lord of the Rings fan, having read the books thoroughly several times. She's really nice and easy to talk to and funny. She's really pretty. I didn't have a chance to get her screen name or anything before she left, so now I'm waiting until I catch Marcy online so I can get it from her. Thats all for now. My sleeping pill is starting to kick in and everything feels like its drifting away. I'm gonna go to sleep soon.

2003-01-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

This doesn't mean I'm gay... really.

Which LOTR Actor Is Your Ideal Husband?
brought to you by Quizilla

But he's just too cool to pass us. I mean, come on.

2003-01-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

Greg is truly ammmmmazing. He made an online store (which, by the way, everyone should go check out) which features on several products the illustrious me. I must say my personal favorite is the t-shirt, because the back has my favorite line in Jesus Christ Superstar ever. Ever.

TELL THE MOB!

2003-01-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

Its the first post of 2003. Huzzah.

Last night I had a revelation. Well actually, it was more like something was revealed to me. Something that had been irking me for some time. Let me start from the beginning...

About a week before Thanksgiving a package came for me. It arrived some time while I was at school, which led to me opening it up when I realized what it was: at dinner. I really didn't know what would come for me in a package, so I went in with a mixture of curiosity and fear. Not really, I just ripped the tape off the top and opened it. The words that greeted me were ADULT ENTERTAINMENT. Oh... my... god. The package contained 1) a catalogue about the width of my chest full of vibrators and other assorted sex toys, 2) a little plastic package of "personal lubricant", and 3) an elephant. Now, this was not just any elephant. It happened to be a bright red elephant, a thong actually, in the shape of an elephant, and your bits and pieces fit snugly in the trunk of said elephant. My parents sat there and watched me open it.

The most intriguing thing about the whole deal was that somebody had actually paid for this with a credit card of some sort. I found the bill attached, and it had been paid. So for a long time I was wondering who the hell had bought me an elephant strap on. Well last night I finally got the answer. Apparently they've been trying to drop subtle hints for a long time to see if I had gotten it, but they were a little late on the uptake. It was already out of the foreground of my mind by the time AMY, GREG and HOPE started dropping their little hints. Until last night, when they just asked if "Anything strange had some in the mail recently." Oh wow. Good joke guys, and no you can't have the elephant.

2002-12-31T23:33:00.000-05:00

I got back from Florida today. There was no computer/internet options at Disney World so I went through a little bit of a cyberwithdrawal. The symptoms include unexplained rage and the desire to break things. But wait, thats the way I usually am.

I'm at a new year's eve party right now. I don't like them very much.

Happy new year everybody.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-26T16:57:00.000-05:00

Gollum and my grandfather have the same facial expressions. Its kind of wierding me out. Especially his frown. He's only done it once since I went and saw Two Towers again, but its so amazingly similar to gollum's that I want to cry. We went for a boat ride today in his boat and went to some waterside restaraunt for lunch, where I ordered a half pound of clam strips. I proceeded to eat all of my clam strips and about half of my mothers, as well as some of my fathers grouper and my sisters shrimp. Mmm... sea food.

2002-12-25T21:22:00.000-05:00

I really miss music. There isn't any here. None at all. Its kind of bizarre to walk around in a world completely devoid of melody or harmony or symphony or even operetta. Well, today was Christmas, so Merry Christmas to all you loyal followers of my life, eh? I didn't open too many presents today because we opened the majority before we left for Florida. Its a lot easier than lugging them both ways. The most notable quotable from my present collection would be the SWORD my parents got me. Yes thats right, they caved and bought me a sword. Too cool.

My new screen name is Eternity Coil. I don't know if I'm going to switch permanently but its defenitely the new doo until I get back to New Jersey. Happy holidays everybody.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

This is Brian broadcasting straight from sunny Fort Myers Florida. Except its not so sunny, its cloudy and late at night on Christmas Eve. But its still above seventy degrees so hey, I'm happy. Yay t-shirts. Everyone got their Christmas presents now, so I can talk about them a little bit. Well, I'm not sure if Victoria got hers, I kind of left it hanging on her doorknob, but I figure they'd see it there. Last night I gave Lizzie the broadway soundtrack of The Producers, and there's a story behind that but its long and I don't want to type it on this crappy laptop keyboard. Today I went about in a hurry to drop off the other four I had wrapped, those being Hayley's, Milli's, Emily's and Victoria's. Milli and Hayley live on the same block, and Emily is just another block away from them, so that was easy enough. I got Hayley a Barne's and Noble's gift card, a photo album of our candy cane pictures and the SparkNotes of Lord of the Rings because she never did finish reading it. I got Emily Ferris Buehler's Day Off on VHS, because the store was all out of DVDs, but apparently thats good enough because she's already watched it. I was also gonna get her something else, but they were sold out of that, and I won't mention it in case I can get my hands on it by the time we go back to school, in which case she'll get it then. I got Milli a Robert Frost poetry book because, well, he's the man, and she likes poetry, and last but not least I got Victoria the SparkNotes of Our Town because, well, we just did Our Town. So thats all for my Christmas present escapades, I still have one more to give someone when I get back but I don't think he'll mind that its late.

Apparently my sister reads my blog. Creepy.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

Brian's mood:
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lotr brought it up a little bit, as you can see. just a touch

2002-12-23T22:35:00.001-05:00

Leaving tomorrow for Florida, won't be back until new year's eve. Don't know if I'll have computer access.

2002-12-23T22:35:00.000-05:00

Two Towers was phenomenal. I'll need to see it again. And again. And again.

2002-12-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

I'll probably be seeing lord of the rings tonight. finally.

2002-12-23T01:34:00.000-05:00

I got home from the cast party. Mrs. Cohen is my favorite person ever. "She's a FUCKER!" - quote mrs. cohen. Yeah, I'm alive, stop worrying so much.

2002-12-22T22:53:00.000-05:00

Why can't I just be normal? Why does something always go wrong when I'm this close to a real relationship. Why don't girls think of me the way they might think of any other guy?

Why can't I just be normal?

Brian's mood:

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2002-12-22T17:23:00.000-05:00

I edited the last post I made slightly. If you read the third paragraph from it, which is now defunct and/or gone, disregard it. And never speak of it to me because I'll probably flip out and kill everyone in the room.

2002-12-22T01:09:00.000-05:00

Today I went Christmas shopping, and I was about 92% successful. I got everyone that I really need to buy things for at least something, and I got some people who its not so important that I give things to presents also. But I failed to find one thing that I really wanted to get Emily, and my gift for Emily was a two parter. I found one of the two things, which is good enough to give as a stand alone present, but the lack of the second part knocks about 8% off my success rate. I would list all the things I got but I'm afraid some of the receptees might read this and find out prematurely what they're getting (Hayley I'm looking at you here), and that would take all the fun out of it. Me and my dad cruised around Essex county today, taking back roads from store to store and stopping in Wendy's for some lunch. I love Wendy's. It is by far and away the best fast food place out there. I got a classic triple, and let me tell you it was delicious. Maybe the sensation was heightened by the fact that it was my first true meal in twenty hours, maybe not. But it was fabulous.

Today we had our second performance of Damn Yankees. It was fun, but Lizzie was in bad shape because of her injury the previous day, and it couldn't have been too enjoyable. I did my very best to make her feel better, but I don't think there was too much that was in my power to do. It was in the hands of the Tylenol, and it looked to me like Tylenol was sleeping on the job. The show went well again, and afterwords we all went to a diner. Including Lizzie, which she probably shouldn't have done. But we all had a real good time. I had mozzerella sticks. Those things are yummy.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-21T01:07:00.000-05:00

I finally made it to the party, and I was only three hours late. I got a ride with Alison, Lizzie, Hayley and Rachel, who had to come late because of basketball. The party was fun but they played a lot of indian music which I couldn't really dance to because I don't have that kind of rythm. I had fun. Lizzie got a concussion in basketball and can't do anything to physical for the rest of the weekend at least, which really sucks because we have three performances this weekend. Yeah, she has to do a lot of dancing. Its really not gonna be good for her. This whole basketball thing has really been detrimental to her health. First her ankle now her head.

I still haven't seen Lord of the Rings. Me and Brad tried to put together a trip tonight but my parents were both asleep when I got home so thats not gonna happen. I'll have to go tomarrow during the day. Other things I need to do tomarrow during the day include buying all the Christmas gifts on my gift list. Crazy, I know, but I really haven't had any time up to now. The presents are good though, everyone ought to be very happy with them.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-20T19:26:00.000-05:00

It's 7:15 on Friday night. I'm supposed to be at Joanna's sweet sixteen party. I was supposed to be there at 6:30. I was supposed to get picked up to go to it by Sam. We had arranged that he would give me a ride. He was already giving Brad and Chris rides. So it would be fine, and he could give me one too. At six I called his house to make sure he remembered. He had already left. His away message online said he was going to Joanna's. At five after I called Chris's. He had walked to Brad's. At ten after I called Brad. Sam had just picked them up there. So it should take no more than ten minutes for Sam to get here and pick me up. At 6:30 the party started. At 7:00 Milli's movie started. She got stuck without a ride to that just like I got stuck without a ride to this. So I'm looking for another ride but there's really not much hope of finding one. If I can't find a ride I'm gonna start looking for a razor. I hate when people forget I exist.

2002-12-19T23:54:00.000-05:00

Wow. Damn Yankees was so much better than it ever should have been. And I love Jesse Cohen. His bow was fantastic. He ran out and slid on his stomach to the front of the stage, got up and walked away. Completely forgetting to introduce his female companion. Jesse Cohen, you are my favorite human being. OK, so I've changed my mind about not coming to see the show. You're allowed to come see the show if you really like Damn Yankees, or really feel the need to support me in my dramatic endeavors. But if its reason number two you should have been at Christmas Carol or Our Town. They were both a whole lot less expensive. The Jews at this Jewish Community Center really gouge the customers. $14 dollars for a ticket? Criminy.

I've decided that the only part of my body I'm not particularly ashamed of is my abdomen. I like it, its nice, its well defined. Granted its got a light fuzzy covering, but thats acceptable within the Jewish community. People have actually been mentioning while I change. Wierd. And not just Sam Alter (though he did... and that really freaked me out), but other people who's opinions I actually respect. And people who I don't know very well at all. Like Lia and Simona. So yeah, the show was good. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

So I still haven't seen Lord of the Rings yet. Its been out for more than twenty four hours and I haven't seen it. This is a crime on the greatest of cosmic scales. Really, like right now the universe should be ending or something because the natural order of things has been so thrown off. I'm talking planets slamming into each other and stars exploding in a song and dance extravaganza, complete with little orange buggers who remind us not to be lazy. Damn you busy schedule, damn you to hell.

Ow my mouth hurts. Dr. Gold beat me with a tire iron. Okay, so he really only tightened my braces. But it still hurts.

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

There seems to be some degree of confusion as to the source of the verse in my last post. Its understandable that one wouldn't know the source, but please, I couldn't right something that cool, don't try to credit it to me. That's the opening of Les Miserables. It's even cooler when its sung, with the music and everything. I love that play. Score. I didn't get home from rehearsal tonight until 11:30. We gave Marcy and Chase rides home tonight because they live right nearby in Bloomfield. Chase took us on the scenic route to his house though, so it took a little while. I didn't realize Marcy lived so close though. She's just on the other side of the club, set back a little from Broad street. If it was a snowy day I could sled there.

aaaaaaaaaah I want to see lord of the rings NOW!

Brian's mood:
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2002-12-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

Today I stayed home from school sick, and went to the doctor. They gave me another set of gigantic horse-pills to take. Two weeks ago I took a run of big white pills that were moderately effective. Now I'm taking simarly sized pink pills. Lets hope they finally clear this infection. I don't want to be sick anymore, its no fun at all. I caught up on missed sleep this morning, which was really nice. I slept until 11:30. I woke up while my classmates were taking a biology test. Sucks for them. And now I'm blogging while my classmates write a history essay. Sucks for them. Two days till break.

So there is a slim chance that our summer production this year could be Les Miserables. I would absolutely love to do that show. The music is amazing, and the story is phenomenal. I really don't know where I would fit in the cast, but I wouldn't care if I was only an extra. I don't think I could possibly sing any of the main parts right, but I would absolutely die to play Javert. What an amazing part. Absolutely ammmazing. Some people seem to think that I would be cast as Thenardier, which would be perfectly okay with me too. He's got some real fun stuff to do too. Wow, I would just love to do that show.

Look down, look down
Don't look 'em in the eye
Look down, look down,
You're here until you die
The sun is strong
It's hot as hell below
Look down, look down,
There's twenty years to go
I've done no wrong!
Sweet Jesus hear my prayer!
Look down, look down,
Sweet Jesus doesn't care
I know she'll wait,
I know that she'll be true!
Look down, look down,
They've all forgotten you
When I get free ya won't see me
Here for dust!
Look down, look down
Don't look 'em in the eye
How long O Lord
Before you let me die?
Look down, look down,
You'll always be a slave
Look down, look down,
You're standing in your grave

2002-12-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

I left school early today because I had a history test 8th block that I really just didn't want to take. Then I slept from 2:30 until 5:00. Then I went to rehearsal. Yeah, the show is getting a little bit better, but it still sucks. I like all the people, I like the show, and I feel bad that its gonna be so horrible and there's nothing at all we can do about it. I'm having some serious issues with my writing, in creative writing that is. I don't have any new story ideas. My Dream Girl idea took a long time to develop, and transferring to creative writing was just a good opportunity to write it all down. It was the first time I ever envisioned a story with a tangible beginning, middle and end. Its also the first time I've ever finished a story that was more than ten pages. I was really proud, too bad I can't do it again. Well today we did some sort of whacked out version of a focus exercise before rehearsal that involved laying on the ground in a dark room listening to Carol talk. There was a lot of "go to your safe place," then she explained what a safe place was. I've never had a "safe place" before, so I had to spend the time defining mine. Here's how it goes.

Its a sunny day, Memorial day weekend, and I'm nowhere near Glen Ridge. I'm laying in the back of my own canoe, rocking gently back and forth, in the Delaware river. My life vest is hanging on my oar, which I have propped up in the prow of the boat. The bright purple color serves as a warning to people who come near not to hit me. I haven't got a shirt on and the sun is warm against my skin. In the background there is the ambient noise of a conversation going on nearby, and I can smell cigarette smoke wafting nearby. Mr. Hanley and Jarid are in there canoes a little ways away, chatting amicably, just drifting. We're at a bend in the river that goes under a certain bridge I know. Its a very high bridge, redish metal, and its a grate on the bottom so when you float under you can look up at the cars passing overhead. Only we're just past the bridge at a big, deep, slow moving part of the river. There aren't any cars on the road today, and everything is quiet except for the sounds of the paddles hitting the water occasionally, and Mr. Hanley and Jarid talking quietly. There's a big sign on the shore that says 'Jesus Saves.' Its been there ever since I can remember. Its a white board with bright red lettering, pointed out at all the little canoers and kayakers that might happen by. Here, in my canoe, I can just lay back and relax. I don't have to worry about anything. There's no show going up this weekend, there's no biology tests, there's no girls that don't want to have anything to do with me. There's no girls at all, its a boy scout trip, and everything is quiet. I can rest and relax and sit back and enjoy myself. On the side of my canoe there are a couple of yellow splotches, dried egg yolk from where I was involved in a lengthy battle. But I jumped in the river to clean myself off and now I'm just drying out in the sun. My hand dips in and out of the water, as I float. It's cool and clean, and catches the light when I lift it up. There aren't any bugs or bothers at all. I don't even mind the cigarette smoke. The grass is greener, the water is deeper and bluer, even the clouds are whiter than they are here. Everything is nicer, and nothing bothers me at all. I can just relax.

Brian's Mood:
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2002-12-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

I feel like my friends and I are falling apart. Over the course of the last month I've been talking to them less and less, and seeing them less and less. I've just been too damn busy. Now that I'm done with two out of the three shows, I have a wee bit of time right after school that I would use to do homework if I was intelligent. Instead today I went with Emily and Claire to help them with their project, which I volunteered to be part of, but they didn't end up filming anything today. So I just sat around with them in Claire's house until five and walked home.

Damn Yankees really sucks. It bites the big one. I don't really know if there's anywhere we can place the blame. Its not entirely the casts fault, but its not entirely the directors' fault either. They haven't been giving us enough and we haven't been returning enough. We open on thursday, and right now we haven't got a product that I would want to perform for a nursing home full of senile octegenarians. Anyone who was planning on coming, please spare yourself and don't. Tickets are really expensive, and defenitely aren't worth it at all.

In the last five days I've gotten about two days worth of sleep. I'm so exhausted I can't fall asleep at night. I just keep laying there thinking about how pitiful I am. I'd rather not lie there like that, so I get up and go find anyone who's online, and tell them they should go to sleep. Its a pretty meaningless existence. I've done no homework at home in about a month. I do it all in school during study hall or other classes. Quite a feat to manage that every day, but I get by with only a few zeroes a week. I'm practically failing history right now. I think I must seriously have a D average in that class. I don't understand why I keep doing so terribly on everything, but if thigns don't turn around I'm gonna see what I can do about dropping the class and going to CP. There's a kid who used to be in my school, but has to be tutored now because he's an insomniac. He sleeps during the day and is awake at night, and they can't fix it.

The wire broke on my desklamp, so it won't go on. Looking at the screen in the dark hurts my eyes. Maybe this'll fuck them up even more than they already are. I really hate having to wear glasses. If I were a cave man I would have died by now, because I've got 20/400 vision. Actually its worse, I haven't had them checked recently. And anything past 20/200 is legally blind. Having bad vision is such a terrible handicap. I can't see without the glasses, so I have to wear them onstage even when they look really stupid for the part. I've lost them in stupid ways because I forget I'm wearing them. Like in the ocean. And whenever I get hit in the face by something, they break and cut me.

I hate liking someone who I know doesn't like me. I do it all the time. I like somebody, then I either ask them out or find out through some other mechanism that they don't want to go out with me, but I don't stop liking them. I'm not the kind of person who just likes somebody for their looks. I like them for the person they are, and that doesn't stop if they don't like me. Ah... it really blows the big one. I think I should probably stop talking to Emily for a while, because it really isn't helping the situation on my end at all. But I don't want to just be like, I shouldn't talk to you any more. It would be rude and she would probably feel bad.

I feel like my friends and I are falling apart.

2002-12-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

Last night at the cast party, there was a wild conflict going on in my head. It starts when I take the vodka bottle away from Merryl, because she is way too smashed already. There is enough left in it to get someone else pretty hammered. I go to give it back to Jon, and he offers me some. Oh shit. Now before I get into what goes on in my head at that moment, let me give all you people who don't know my background a little taste. When I was a freshmen and sophomore, I used to drink and take a lot of drugs. I did it because I thought it would make me cooler. I did it because it was the easiest escape from myself. About a year ago, I stopped. Maybe it was because of my new friends. Maybe it was because I wanted to find myself again. Either way, I was done. Then this summer, at a cast party for Superstar, someone was smoking weed. Anyone want some? A few people walk over. Someone calls my name. You'll hit this, won't you? Of course I will. I want to fit in. I miss being high. I miss not having any problems. I really regret doing that that night. So here comes this at Jon's house. Do I want any of it? Of course I do. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be happy. But I say no thanks, and I walk away. Ten minutes later I've been accused by at least four people of trying to take advantage of Merryl. Great. Fuck me.

Alea has a new boyfriend. His name is Tim. They watch Mary Kate and Ashley movie's together. She had to be the man in the relationship and ask him out. Isn't that cute?

Christmas Carol today was pretty shitty. Not because the shows were bad. On the contrary, the shows were good. Its just that I hate being there. I hate the people. I hate the environment they create. I hate everything about that play. All the people who are near my age are gossipy and snooty, just the kind of people who are inclined to ignore me. Oh, and ignore me they did. The only ones who acknowledge my existance are Matt, because I've already done another show with him, and occasionally Michelle, because she's not quite as bitchy as the rest. Stephanie and Steven, the stage manager and her boyfriend, are pretty cool. They share my sentiment that the cast sucks. My only qualm with Steph is that she kicked Alea out, but that was just a misunderstanding or something. I feel bad for Markie. He tried really hard to make that play good. Too bad the cast didn't care.

Brian's Mood:
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2002-12-15T03:07:00.000-05:00

Brian's mood:
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I woke up today to the painful realization that all the stuff I had left at the middle school was stuff I needed for Christmas Carol. It was 10:30 then, and I was supposed to get to CC by 11:00. Thus ensued a hectic hour of dressing poorly and running to the middle school, running around the middle school with my hair partially still plastered to my head and probably most of my makeup still on in front of a bunch of crazy arabians who were holding some conference in the cafeteria, coming home and showering and zooming to CC. I missed most of the line through, but who gives a flying fuck anyway. Alea was there (cheers) and we got to hang out. The shows went well, then at 4:30 when we were done I ran downstairs and changed and sped over to the middle school for my 5:00 call for Our Town. Got made up, did a show, it was spectacular and everything it should have been, struck the set, etc. By the by, Emily and Claire were at both Christmas Carol and Our Town today, which must have really been a Brian acting overload.

The cast party was at Jon's house, but I got a ride with Julia so we had some stops to make. I sat and listened to Adrienne Allen complain about how she needs to get more ass for about twenty minutes, interspersed with hearing about how Victoria wants to hook up with Aaron Levinson whenever I went into the diner to check on their progress. My general sentiment was what the fuck are you people complaining about, at least you aren't me, but I didn't voice my opinion. When we got to the party all the pizza had already been eaten and they had already given Darren the poster. Well shit on me, I missed it. Merryl was seriously blasted off her ass and wouldn't stop drinking more, so I took away her drink and made her sit down. I was trying to make sure the poor girl didn't vomit all over herself, but apparently it was just me being desperate and horny, so I was ridiculed in tones that they thought I wouldn't overhear. After a couple of people told me I better not touch her I backed off and just sat in a corner for about three hours. Eventually she did throw up because nobody was watching or cared enough to watch if it wasn't going to be good gossip. Billy and Liz were all over each other as usual. I'm really happy for them, but I hate watching them. Not because there's anything wrong with them doing it, but I just hate watching them, or anyone else. It gets me really depressed. I hate cast parties and I hate casts, especially Glen Ridge casts. I don't think I'm going to do the junior class play this year. I hope it doesn't throw Darren's plans off too much, but I'd say Jeremy could do any part I was meant to play better than me anyway.

2002-12-14T01:42:00.000-05:00

Today was Friday the 13th. Opening night for Our Town. And as if to make matters worse, we did a whole lot of walking under ladders and opening umbrellas inside during the course of the play. A recipe for disaster to be sure, but the mix didn't come out quite as expected. Instead of sucking, it was absolutely amazing. Phenomonal. Intense. Electrifying. I loved every minute of it, right down to my bow (which I did not miss). Everyone was focused and on target, we absolutely razzle-dazzled them. I got laughs, too. Then after the show all the people told me I have excellent comic timing and I was really good. What fun!

The cast party was at Jeremy's house, where I ate pizza and watched Donnie Darko. What a fucked... up... movie. Seriously distorted. Liz Heinzen tried to explain some of the finer points of it to me afterwords, but the ending completely lost me. The only people who sat there for the whole thing were me, Lauren Kramer, Jed and Regina Fisher, and I don't think any of us are the same. I know there'll be an involuntary shiver down my spine when Victoria calls me Frank tomarrow on stage. That was one freaky bunny rabbit.

Brian's Mood:
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2002-12-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

I'm instituting a new thing on my blog. Well, I don't really know if I'll keep it up or not, but I'm gonna try because it's kind of cool. It's a mood meter. Ready?

Brian's Mood:
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Good things: We had a really good final dress rehearsal, even if the bows got a little fucked up. All of my scenes went well. I'm listening to the Rent soundtrack right now. And, Alea is coming on Saturday to Christmas Carol, she's gonna help with running crew. YAY! Five hours of Alea. Fun fun. That's not all, she's also coming to see me in Damn Yankees on the 21st. Woot woot.
Bad things: I've come down with a cold and can't breathe through my nose, and now I sound really nasal. I still don't have a girlfriend.
I thought that added up to about a seven, the whole Alea thing really brought it up. This may be the only time you see that meter past the halfway mark. *Golf claps*

2002-12-12T16:48:00.000-05:00

The PSATs are a good indicator of who is naturally smart and who studies way too much. A good example of that is Chris Saling, a kid who gets all As on everything, but he only managed a 1230. Now wait, you say. 1230? Isn't that good? Not nearly so good as would be expected of someone of that caliber. And Mike Tycon, a shoein for valedictorian of our class, only managing a 1330. I pulled out a 1370, and I get mostly Bs and Cs. Jed Lubin got a 1470, he absolutely steamrolled all of us. And he's got about the same grades as me. To break it down for anyone who cares, I got a 670 on the verbal section and 700 on math. I also got a 690 on the writing, which doesn't get factored into the grade at all. I don't really understand why its there. I'm in the 98th percentile for the country, and I don't know if thats good enough to be a national merit scholarship semi-finalist or not, but it's defenitely a commendation. Isn't that nice?

2002-12-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

My blog is unique because I'm the only person ever in the world to use this template. OK, so I'm not the only person ever in the world, but close to it, because I'm the only person I know who does. And obviously I know almost every person ever in the world, so I would know. Its great because it changes colors in the background and sparkles and plays christmas music and then when you go over the words with the mouse it makes them big for you to read and says happy holidays. OK, so I made that up for the most part. Except the color changing part. Just stop scrolling up or down for a second and watch the background. Its sick.

I've been listening to the Rent soundtrack over and over again. Its so good. Like kissing in the rain good. Well, really I'm just assuming that kissing in the rain is as good as listening to the Rent soundtrack, because I've only ever done one of the two.

2002-12-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

I need to infuse more emotion into a monologue in which I am being a cold and distant father. Do you get it? Because I don't. But I'm going to give it an honest try tomorrow night at our next dress rehearsal. I always feel like I'm sitting too much like a 21st century teenager and not a turn of the 20th century middle-age doctor when I'm delivering that monologue too, but I don't know how to fix it and they really haven't pointed that out in the notes they give yet so I'm gonna have to take what I've got. I also forgot a line tonight, which was really bad because I knew the scene really well but still blanked out on the second line. Its really imporant too. Me and Victoria just kind of stood/sat staring for a minute, until she remembered why my line was supposed to be and whispered it to me. Darren didn't say anything because he probably figured it was obvious enough that I would fix that one myself. It was, I felt really bad that Victoria had to deal with me sucking that much. Yeah, and I also got a note that I should act more flirtatious with my wife. The only real trouble is that flirtatious is not in my repertoir of emotions. I don't know how to flirt, so I can't do it on stage. Well, I'm sure they'll figure that out soon enough.

2002-12-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

Emily and I seem to have pretty much gotten over our differences. It turns out that she started hating me because she heard that I hated her. Note to the reader here, I never hated her, not even while she hated me. So all in all it was niether of our faults to begin with, and now we've been the bigger man/woman and ended it. I had to rescind my insults, but i didn't really mean any of them, they were just meant to get under her skin. So yeah, we're back to being friends again, as far as I can tell. She made a new online journal, and after a little prodding let me read it, and it had some juicy bits about me in there, but I don't need to go into those details.

Saturday night was Candy Cane. I think Saturday may clock in as the longest day I have yet lived. Starting at nine in the morning with a costume fitting for Our Town, then an eleven o'clock call for Christmas Carol. We did a speed through, 1:30 performance, 3:30 performance, 4:45 haircut, 6:00 at suzanne's house for the pregame (too many pictures, blind in both eyes), 8:00 showtime at the women's club, 11:30 off to see the wizard of italian food, 1:30 back to the future of hayley's house. 3:30 and i finally get some much needed shuteye.

The dance itself was the most fun I've ever had at a dance. That's probably because its the only time I actually danced, ever. I feel bad though, because Hayley's feet hurt so she didn't do a whole lot of dancing. Then we went to dinner at the place, and I got the feeling they didn't plan too well for our arrival. We had to wait an extra forever and a half because the other group's limo was assaulted and they had to get another. So we finally got the food, which was really good but also really filling, and then went back to Hayley's, where Geoff, Lizzie, Lindsey and Andrew were waiting. Watched Dr. No, I got fed up with being in the room and i went downstairs to sleep. I had two more shows the next day anyway, so I needed sleep. The shows went well, even if I was a little late on my first entrance in the first show. Yes, my first entrance is the start of the show... woops.

2002-12-04T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today Mrs. Pollak gave out a new assigment to the regular creative writing class. I, being in the independant study, get a choice about whether or not I would like to any given assigment. I could just write whatever I want and give it to her, which is what I usually do. This particular assignment picqued my interest though. The assignment involves choosing a person you hate, and writing a letter addressed to them explaining why. That's part one. Then writing a fictional story with them as a character. That's part two. Then rewriting the fictional story from their perspective. That's part three. I edited the project slightly to suit my needs. Part one, I write a letter to Emily that explains how I didn't really do anything wrong, and why I'm perfectly well founded in calling her shallow. Part two, I recount the events of that Saturday night when I went to her house from my perspective, looking back. Also I give commentary with all the new information I now know. Part three, I write it from her point of view. That last one ought to be a whole lot of fun. I know that Emily is writing her assigment about me too. As if it weren't obvious enough from all the dirty looks she was shooting me as the assignment was explained, Millicent told me and then Annie brought it up at rehearsal. All in all it should make good gossip for those little freshmen girls, and a good joke for me, Ed and Tycon during study hall tomarrow.